Ghosts of Suicide

you-make-mistakes-mistakes-dont-make-you-403x403-nk93k4I am not one of those people who believes that people ever get over the traumas that happen in their lives. Rather, I believe that we either learn to live with them or we expand to leverage them. In my own life, I can admit that I  have never gotten over anything in the conventional sense.  This does not mean that I am incapable of forgiveness or that I walk around needlessly suffering. It just means that I use the data I collect from the good and bad experiences of my life to shift my perceptions and hopefully align me way of being in the world with The Way of my Teacher, Jesus Christ.

Still, despite this deliberate trauma transforming mindset, there are some traumas that are more difficult for me to adapt to or leverage than others. These traumas, I give myself years or even decades to work on inwardly, mining whatever insights I can from them until I get to the point where I feel that I have succeeded in adaptation or even better, I can leverage them to be of service to others who may also be dealing with similar traumas.

One such trauma that I have been working on for over twenty years is the death by suicide of a girl I went to church with back when I was in high school.  Just writing that sentence is tough for me. But I promised myself that I would write about *Sheila before the end of suicide prevention month so I am forcing myself to write this now. Damn.

Am I Partly to Blame?

The reason why Sheila’s death created a trauma for me is not because we were particularly close, but because I sometimes wonder if I should’ve been. When I ask myself if I think I am partly to blame for her death I can easily tell myself I’m not, but even as I tell myself this, I can feel in my flesh that I am still carrying her with me and likely always will.  And more than that for years I have been afraid that if I put my thoughts into words, I will realize that I am partly responsible.

If you haven’t heard of it, there is a show on Netflix called, 13 Reasons Why, about a teen who dies by suicide. She leaves 13 recordings to the people that she feels contributed to her making the decision and I imagine the show is about how each of them deals with the implications. I have not even watched one episode and truth be told, just the trailer got my stomach churning and feeling sick.  At one time, I thought about watching it for cathartic purposes, but I am still not there. My biggest fear is that one of the interactions that contributed to the character’s choice will be something that one of the implicated people would have never considered–something like my interactions with Sheila.

Here’s the thing with Sheila and me.  In my mind, Sheila and I were not as close as she thought we were. Until a couple months before she died we only orbited each other’s worlds.  I saw her at church every once in a while and didn’t even really notice her until one football game she came up behind me and hugged me. I was surprised by it, but didn’t make a deal about it. She was with some girlfriends and for some reason decided to hang with me. I hung out with them for a while and then figured that would be it. But, it turned out that she got my number from a mutual acquaintance and some days later she called me and told me that she liked me.  I told her that was nice, but that I had a girlfriend. I thought that would be the end of it. We said we’d be friends which for me was easy. We talked on the phone a bit, but when she started saying that she still liked me I decided to stop talking to her.  Some time later she stopped by my house unannounced. I talked to her for a little while and then I made an effort to be really clear that I only wanted to be friends.

The calls stopped for the most part, but she did call me to tell me when she found a boyfriend. She asked if I was jealous. I joked that I was a little, but that I’d get over it. She said a few other flirtatious things that I tried to discourage. But when I could tell that it wasn’t really working, I pretty much let her know I couldn’t keep talking to her if she persisted. Knowing how I expressed myself at the time I probably said it very directly with less sensitivity than I currently use. That’s the last I remember talking to her before hearing that she died.

It turned out that she became pregnant by the new boyfriend and he didn’t want to accept the child.  She mentioned this in the note that she left as well as that she only dated him because no one else wanted to be in a relationship with her. As I heard it relayed to me, she said that she did not even like the boy but just wanted to feel loved and that when the person she liked didn’t like her, she figured that if she dated someone who she was not attracted to, that person would feel lucky to be with her.  But now she was pregnant by someone she didn’t even like who was denying the child. Another factor was that she feared that she would be shamed by the community for getting pregnant out of wedlock in the first place.

It’s Not About Me

All of these year’s since Sheila’s death I still sometimes find myself wondering if there was something that I could have said or done to let her know that even though I didn’t want to be in a romantic relationship with her, I still could have been a good friend to her. But I imagine I am not the only one who feels that way. Besides that, I can only assume that she could not access that possibility from the place she was residing emotionally at the time.  In order for her to have even considered that possibility, I would have had to be hyper-vigilant in conveying that to her, which I wasn’t. And the truth of the matter is that I probably would not have been as good a friend as I imagine I would have been. But that’s what the ego does. It makes everything about us and fills in gaps with coulda, shoulda, wouldas, that virtually have no substance unless we actually use the experiences to make a positive change.

One other thing that comes up for me is that I remember in those days, “go kill yourself” was a saying that many people my age would use when someone would say something that you thought was outrageous. These days, I know that this is something that no one should ever say to another person, but at the time,  it was common to think that saying this to another black person was relatively harmless because the belief was that black people don’t die from suicide. I now also know that this is a myth, but at the time I thought it was a a fact. Now, I don’t remember ever saying that to Sheila, but I know there was a time that I used that saying as much as anyone else and I know that some of the things she said to me were outrageous. So there is a chance that I could’ve been careless enough with my words to have said this to Sheila in an effort to deflect her interest. That’s why even though I logically accept that there is no way that I will ever know if I said it or not, whenever I hear of a teen suicide, my mind replays my interactions with Sheila and I feel the thorns that remain in my flesh to this day reminding me that life and death are truly in the tongue just as the scriptures teach.

Even though I don’t know if I said this to her, I do know that I never said it again after her death and for a time I tried to stop other people from saying it. I guess I felt like since I wasn’t there for her in life, I could be there for her in death and  hopefully know how to be there for someone else if I ever found myself in that situation again. The fact is I failed in my relationship with Sheila. I sinned in my encounters with her. I missed the mark. But, as famed futurist and thought leader, Buckminster Fuller taught, sin simply means omission where admission should have occurred. Additionally he taught, “The courage to adhere to the truth as we learn it involves, then, the courage to face ourselves with the clear admission of all the mistakes we have made. Mistakes are sins only when not admitted.”

My prayer with this post and the attached video that goes more in depth, is that we will be encouraged to forgive ourselves for the mistakes we make and extend that forgiveness to our brothers and sisters that we encounter in our day to day lives. We need to build this capacity now more than ever.

∗ I am calling her Sheila to protect her family and friends.

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4 thoughts on “Ghosts of Suicide

  1. Hi, please don’t blame yourself for Sheila’s suicide. The fact is, if you had known the depression signs, you would’ve done something, right? You can’t blame yourself for something that you had no idea of. If a person is that depressed, they may suicide no matter what. Children/teenagers also don’t tell others what is going on. I learned this when a close friend of mine committed suicide when I was young. Would I have done something if I had known the signs or if he had talked to me? Of course. I am not to blame for his death, just as you are not to blame for your friend Sheila’s death. If you need to talk to a grief counselor, please to – reaching out is a strength, not a weakness.

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    1. Thanks for your response. Intellectually, I understand that it was not my fault. There are too many factors at play. However, I am aware that her story is forever a part of my story. My prayer is to just live a life that does our mutual stories justice by being as present and loving as possible. Peace.

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  2. I am sorry for your friend and I have also lost a dear friend to suicide. He was actually my boyfriend and Although it has been almost 20 years I still feel guilty and for a long time I felt like I could have prevented it and pictured different scenarios in my head. Suicide is very traumatic for those who stay.

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    1. Yes Jewel. It is very traumatic for those who live with the memory. Even when we can tell ourselves that there’s nothing we could have done, our limitless creative abilities will invent scenarios where we could have or did. My personal hope is that we all live eternally in the Mind of our Creator. And so as I draw closer to that Mind, I draw equally and ever more closely to all those I’ve loved and known. My tradition teaches that nothing can separate us from God’s Love. If this is true, nothing can separate us from those loved by God as well. This is my life’s work–to stay in this awareness.

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