Self Betrayal Does Not Lead to Love

Generally speaking, I am not nice. But, I am kind. Nice is performative and at its core is a subtle form of manipulation. You present yourself in a certain way in order to manage another person’s perception of you, whether its to convince them that you’re a better person than you actually are for your own personal gain or, if it is a matter of safety, to get them to see you as non threatening or to prevent an attack. And in the latter cases, I get it. Women, Black folks, Indigenous folks, other racialized peoples, LGBTQ folks, some poor White folks, disabled people, and more have often had to be nice to survive this long. But, now it is time to be kind. When you’re kind you show up as your full self not just so people can see you in a certain way, but also because it gives others, many of whom are also victims of the tyranny of conformity, a chance to show up in a better way even if it is a challenge at first.

It is kindness to tell someone they are being used, it is kindness to tell someone that they are being deceived, it is kindness to tell someone that support of someone who does not care about you is a betrayal of yourself and that self betrayal is a vicious cycle. Sadly, one of the primary lessons that far too many of us learn at a very early age is how to betray ourselves in exchange for safety and provision. Self betrayal gets tethered to love in our minds so much so that—often before we can even talk—we believe that the amount of love we can receive is directly proportional to the degree to which we can betray ourselves.

Some people I talk to who support Trump think I hate Trump. I don’t. I feel supremely sorry for him because he is the Sultan of Self Betrayal. I can’t think of any public figures who has fallen for the idea that self betrayal garners love more than Trump. So much so that there’s almost nothing of his true self there anymore. He is so desperate to be loved that he will say and do anything for attention—even if it is negative attention— just like a toddler. And by encouraging him, his “so called supporters” are destroying him because as fellow self betrayers they unconsciously believe that his success is proof that the same self betraying tactics they conformed to as a child in order to try and get love from someone will eventually pay off. But, it won’t. Not for him and not for them.

Unlike many who think they support him, I’ve read his ghostwritten books. In The Art of the Deal, it says, “good publicity is preferable to bad, but from a bottom-line perspective, bad publicity is sometimes better than no publicity at all. Controversy, in short, sells.” If you substitute “publicity” for “attention” you can get a good sense of how he functions. Any decent psychologist will tell you that sometimes a child will “act out” because they want attention. And they want attention because they think it is a direct line to love.

People keep trying to figure out why people won’t give up on Trump no matter what off the wall thing he says. It is because in essence, they are Trump. They, like all of us, are people who want to be loved, they want to belong, and they don’t want to die. They are hungry for an unconditional love that will receive them no matter how they show up and will keep them safe in a very uncertain world. I can’t hate Trump or his supporters for that. In fact, the only reason I say anything at all is because I’ve been graced to feel that Love that fulfills all things. And that Love is not nice. But it is kind. And as CS Lewis described his character Aslan, this Love is “good, but not safe.”

I’m doing my best to finish a short book in the next 10 days that will unpack this more because regardless of the election outcome, we need to figure this out. Trump is headed for a cliff and his supporters, the intimidated individuals who think they’re “keeping the peace”, the false equivalency makers, and the bystanders will take this entire country with him. And it isn’t because he’s a horrible person or that they are. It is because we are either desperate to be loved, accepted, and safe or we don’t want to lose the little bit of these things that we’re holding onto.

As the song written by Burt Bacharach says,

“What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of

What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

No, not just for some, but for everyone”

I’m making some noise because love and kindness tells me that you cannot whisper to someone, “Hey look out. You’re about to go off a cliff.” just because you don’t want to appear mean. You can explain yourself after the person is out of danger. That’s what Love does.

In all honesty, I’m only writing this after hours of prayer and trying to rationalize saying nothing. But, as a pastor friend once told me once, “When in doubt, go with what’s most loving.” This is me keeping my commandments to love God with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength and loving my neighbor (to include enemies) as myself. If I were headed off a cliff and I couldn’t tell, I would hope that someone would love me enough to scream their lungs off to warn me. So that’s what I’m doing given the resources I have available and the contexts that I’m in.

I’m not trying to change anyone’s minds. I’m just keeping my commandments. If we don’t go off the cliff, we can discuss policy and ideology later.

If you want to hear more about the Love I’m talking about minus mentioning political candidates, I’m preaching tomorrow. You can catch it online here https://youtube.com/@ucclongmont?si=pyf0DsVfpf8-qtqg

I’m sharing all of this from the inexhaustible Love of Christ, a Love greater than any love I could ever offer.

If you want to take a first step in being kind, I invite you to share this post. If you need help in finding the courage, let me know how I can serve you.